I witnessed the rise and fall and rise again of my own convictions.
A joke really! It feels peaceful when I ignore the terrifying chaos beyond the fog of everyday fluff.
But bliss from ignorance is not the same penetrating joyfulness that comes from truly living - truly feeling everything, truly expressing everything.
I watch twenty rap videos in a row and drink damiana tea.
I close my eyes at the beach for hours on end.
I count six oysters and gulp them all.
I kiss my friends and family and laugh, face sore.
I kill time. I exist. I show up and do my best every day but I challenge nothing. For months.
Makes sense: I shrunk the largeness of my truth in the name of keeping the peace. In the name of ease, in the name of erasing any tension and resistance.
The Roots’ “Someone has to care” line replays in my mind as I wash the dishes and when I’m downing red.
What is a life lived with no resistance? I’m not buddha!
Can something be great at all if it inspires zero reaction?
A joke. I’m startled awake again. I’m back. Calling all witnesses.
